


Not Yet Paradise

by warrior of the nile (InTheShadows)



Category: Yu-Gi-Oh!
Genre: Depression, Egyptian Gods/Goddesses, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-05
Updated: 2013-05-05
Packaged: 2017-12-10 11:54:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/785776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InTheShadows/pseuds/warrior%20of%20the%20nile
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'Dull crimson eyes stare out at the scene surrounding him. To anyone else, the view would bring out appreciation at its beauty. But to the owner of the eyes, he could care less. He seemed to have lost the ability to feel happy after that day.' A twist on the classic Atem returns to Yugi story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Yet Paradise

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on ff.net

Dull crimson eyes stare out at the scene surrounding him. Beautiful flowers of all shapes and colors spread out around him. Scattered throughout these flowers are small trees that provide shade from the hot sun. Winding pathways allow a person to wander around aimlessly. In the middle is a fountain spurting out clear, cool water. 

To anyone else, the view would bring out appreciation at its beauty. But to the owner of the eyes, he could care less. He seemed to have lost the ability to feel happy after that day.

Atem continues to stare out at the palace gardens, leaning against a tree that hides him from view. He tries to make himself feel something, anything. But he can’t. He simply can’t. It is as if his emotions stopped existing the minute he entered the After Life. The only thing left seems to be his tears.

At first, it had been great. He had been reunited with his family and friends. He had caught up with everyone and spent time with them. He had no duties, no responsibilities, no worries. The only thing he had to choose was what to do for the day.

But, slowly, after the initial newness and happiness had worn off, Atem could feel his contentment fading away. In place of it, a void appeared- emptiness, numbness. And slowly, this numbness began to consume him. Leeching away all his other emotions until nothing remained except sadness.

Atem isn’t a fool. He knows exactly what is happening. He is falling into a depression. A deep, all-consuming depression.

And he knows exactly why. 

So far he has managed to hide it from everyone. He is able to keep his mask firmly in place when they talk to him or they want to spend time with him.

But it is becoming harder to do so with each passing day. It takes more effort, more energy to make sure no one guesses. Because he is supposed to be happy. After years of saving the world and battling evil, this is his reward- paradise.

Except it isn’t. Paradise is supposed to be prefect- nothing missing, everything he could ever want or imagine. But something is missing. At first, it hadn’t been a big deal. He told himself he could wait. It wasn’t forever.

But thoughts of that essential part continue to plague his mind more and more until sometimes he just can’t take it. He misses that part so much his heart figuratively bleeds when he thinks of their separation. No matter that it isn’t forever, without him Atem couldn’t find his paradise.

Aibou. Hikari. Little One. Yugi.

Thoughts of the innocent teen haunt Atem almost constantly anymore. It is their separation from him that is causing this depression. He thought losing Yugi’s soul was bad. And it was. But at least there was the hope of being reunited with him if he could defeat Dartz.

Now though, it would be years before he would saw his sweet angel again. Not that Atem wants Yugi to cut his life short because of him. Gods NO! He wants his Little One to live a happy and normal life. The life he should have had if he hadn’t interrupted it, bringing with him a new era of Shadow Magic. He wants Yugi to live life to the fullest like he deserves.

But Gods above! It hurts so much to be apart from him. For the last three years they had fought together, laughed together, cried together. They knew each other than they knew anyone else.

And somewhere along those three years, Atem had fallen hopelessly and madly in love with his hikari. He couldn’t help himself. Yugi was the one who freed him from the Millennium Puzzle. He was there to help him tame his darkness. He became his first friend and then his best friend. He was the one who believed in him no matter what and trusted him completely.

Yugi was pure light- always happy, optimistic, smiling. His light called to Atem like a moth to flame. It was almost inevitable that he should have these feelings.

Not that he told Yugi. For one thing, the fear of rejection had been too great. How could someone as sweet and beautiful love him as well? Plus there was the little detail of Yugi’s crush on Tea, pronouncing him straight.

For another, it could make things very awkward for the two if Yugi didn’t return his feelings. He didn’t believe Yugi could ever hate him for the way he feels. But it could damage their very close relationship and that was something Atem would avoid doing to all costs.

But the main reason is that he always knew, deep in his heart, that one day he would have to leave. He didn’t belong here. He is a 3,000 year old spirit of a Pharaoh with magical powers. Not exactly the description of your average Joe.

So if he was destined to leave, what was the point? If Yugi returned his feelings, he would be separated from his lover. Possibly he would spend the rest of his life alone in an attempt to stay faithful. And if Yugi didn’t, he wanted the teen to remember him with kindness and fond memories. Not of awkward moments and pity for his own unrequited love. Or worse, guilt for the heartbreak this would cause Atem.

With so many reasons to remain silent, that is what Atem did. He kept his emotions hidden and his mouth shut.

But now it is slowly killing him inside to be away from him.

“Atem! Atem, are you here?” a voice calls.

Atem sighs before firmly putting his mask into place and standing up. “Here Mana” he answers his childhood friend.

“There you are. I’ve been looking all over for you.”

“Sorry. I was going for a walk, but ended up just sitting in the shade.”

“Oh, ok. Do you want to go fishing? I’ve been practicing!”

He chuckles. “Sure.”

“Great. Let’s go.”

Mana drags Atem toward the Nile, completely unaware of the emotions swirling underneath the surface of his mask. Arriving at the bank, she releases his wrist and lies down. She stares intently at the water. Atem joins her on the ground, propping his chin on his arms. Soon a fish comes into view.

“There!” Mana exclaims excitedly. She takes her wand and mutters something under her breath. Rapidly the fish rises into the air, surrounded by a bubble of water.

“I did it! I did it!” she shouts.

Suddenly the bubble pops, leaving the fish to escape and the other two drenched.

“Ooppies.” Mana says sheepishly.

Atem manages a laugh. “Yes you did. And now I am going to go change.”

“Are you sure? I have a drying spell too.”

“That’s alright. I’ll see you at supper.”

“Ok. Bye Atem.”

Mana stays where she is, no doubt going to try the drying spell on herself before fishing some more. Atem flees.

Only once he is in the safety of his own room does his mask fall. Tears sting his eyes. Why oh why dose Mana have to remind him so much of Yugi? Both so innocent and easily excited.

Why does it have to be his best friend? Someone he defiantly cannot avoid. That wouldn’t be fair to her. And he can’t tell her the reason because that would make her feel guilty about something she cannot- and should not- change.

But how is he going to stand being around her so long, being constantly reminded of his absent beloved? He swore that if he didn’t know better, Yugi was the reincarnation of Mana.

The ache in his chest grows and tears finally spill over. He stops what he’s doing, only having on a dry kilt, and sinks to the floor in a shadowed corner.

He muffles his sobs with his arms. Tears stream down his face without any sign of stopping soon. His whole body shakes. Pain of his loss consumes his mind, leaving no room for distraction.

Finally, after a long, aching hour, he is able to stop. Atem stands up and enters his bathing room. Taking off his kilt, he dive right in. One perk of the After Life is that the water is always fresh and warm.

Atem washes away all signs of crying and the muscle ache that comes with it. He ends up falling asleep, not having slept well the night before- or the last few weeks- because of dreams.

A hand shaking him awake startles him and he slides back into the water. Surfacing, he shakes his hair out of his eyes and glares at the person.

“Hello cousin. Have a nice dunk?” mentioned person asks.

“Yes. Come a little closer and I’ll show you how nice it is. What do you want Seth?”

“It’s suppertime and everyone is there except for you. I got stuck coming to find you.”

Atem snorts. “You probably volunteered in case you got an opportunity to do something like this.”

Seth just smirks.

“Well tell everyone I’ll be there shortly. I have to dry my hair. Again.”

“I’d hurry” Seth suggests, walking out “you wouldn’t want them to run out of food before you get there, would you?” A couple of seconds later and the door to his room closes.

Atem sigh as he exits the pool. Seth hadn’t changed much from one incarnation to the next- excluding Seto’s inability to accept anything magical.

And of course thinking of Seto makes him think of Yugi. A few tears leak out, but he quickly wipes them away. No. No one can know how he feels. No one.

He puts on his clothing and jewelry on and heads to the dining hall. When he enter, as previously stated, everyone is already there and eating.

“Son” his father, Aknamkanon, calls. 

Atem joins him, sitting in the seat next to him. “Hello.”

“Nice of you to show up” he teases.

Atem shrugs. “I fell asleep.”

“So your cousin said. I also see he took great care in waking you up.” He says, referring to Atem’s still damp hair.

“Indeed” is his dry reply.

Aknamkanon laughs. “It is so nice to feel the love between you two.”

Atem rolls his eyes and moodily grabs some food. By Ra, it is definitely getting worse. He can’t even hear the word ‘love’ without almost breaking down. How pathetic was he?

He eats supper quickly, choosing random food without really seeing what they are. It’s not like he really has to. All his favorite foods are near him. As soon as he can without arousing suspicion, he dismisses himself.

The moon is out when he arrives in the gardens once again. It shines brightly, eliminating the need for a torch. He wanders around, trying to get his emotions into some semblance of order. Not that it’s working very well. He turns when he hears footsteps.

“My Pharaoh” he bows.

“Mahado” Atem says in good natured exasperation “how many times do I have to tell you, I’m not the Pharaoh here. My father is. And I wish you weren’t so formal. We’re friends aren’t we?”

“Of course we are, my Pharaoh”

“Then call me Atem. And quit bowing” He offers the other an eye roll accompanied by a smile.

“As you wish my Phar- Atem.”

They continue walking.

“Was there something in particular you wished to discuss?”

“No. It is just take we have not had time to spend together lately.”

Guilt gathers in Atem’s stomach. In truth he had been avoiding Mahado. Sometimes all he could see when he looked at his was the Dark Magician. Which, of course, reminded him of Yugi. He steels himself for up he must do next. “You’re right. Shall we spend tomorrow together? Are you busy?”

Mahado smiles. “No, that sounds nice. I will leave you to your walk now. See you tomorrow Atem.”

They wave goodbye, and head in opposite directions. Atem heads towards his room to hopefully get some sleep.

Why does the Dark Magician have to be Yugi’s favorite card? Him and Kuriboh. Speaking of which-

“Kuuuu.” Kuriboh appears right on schedule. The creature had begun to sleep with him about a week after he arrived.

“Oh Kuriboh, what am I going to do?” he asks. Atem had taken to telling him his problems. He is the only one who knows of his depression.

“Kuuuu?”

“I promised Mahado I will spend all of tomorrow with him. How am I going to stand it? This feeling is tearing me apart” he admits.

“Kuuuu.” Kuriboh rubs up against Atem. Atem hugs him in return.

“I’m running out of friends to spend time with. Mana, Mahado and Seth remind me of Yugi. Isis is too perceptive. Shimon reminds me of Grandpa which makes me think of Yugi. And I don’t know Shaada and Kalim enough to spend too much time with them. Plus I feel lame hanging out with the older priests. Can you say pathetic?”

“Kuuuu?”

“I know I am. Why am I? Why can’t I be happy? It’s not forever. Why can’t I wait till then? Why does it hurt so badly?!” Sobs over take him then and he holds Kuriboh tightly, crying into him fur. Kuriboh tries to comfort him and ends up making a noise that sounds like a cat purring.

Atem ends up falling asleep like that, Kuriboh still in his arms.

The next few weeks go by in a blear. Slowly Atem becomes worse. He stops feeling hungry, sleep becomes harder to discover without dreams interrupting, and thoughts of Yugi become more and more consuming.

He manages to hide it well. To the others, he only appears slightly restless and agitated. Most assume this will pass quickly. After all, he wasn’t pushing anyone away, he looked fine and he was eating.

No one suspected how broken he was inside. He forced himself to eat and spend time with others. He used Shadow Magic to hide to the bags under his eyes and the yawns in his sentences. He went swimming more to cover the tears that would escape. His resistance was starting to crack and that terrified him.

No one can know how he feels. He has to be strong. He was always the strong one; there was no time for weakness.

Only Kuriboh saw what was truly happening to him.

One night he can’t take it anymore. When Atem is asleep, he slips out of Atem’s arms and goes to the Gods.

They are sitting in their throne room talking. (A/N see below if unsure who is who) Ra is in the middle with Osiris, Isis and Thoth on one side and Horus, Anubis and Hathor on the other. All look up when Kuriboh enters.

“Yes Kuriboh?” Ra asks.

“Kuuuu.”

“You wish to speak with us?”

He nods. Ra snaps his fingers.

Kuriboh bow. “Thank you my lord. I come to discuss something very important with you. I know this is probably a betrayal of trust, but I can’t take it anymore! I can’t!”

The Gods become concerned. Never has Kuriboh become this upset before, unless Yugi or Atem needed him in a duel. Otherwise he is always happy.

“Go on” Ra encourages.

“It’s Atem.”

Ra raises an eyebrow. “Yes?”

“He’s dying.”

Silence meets this statement.

“Impossible” Anubis finally says. “For one thing, he’s already dead-he can’t die again. And for another, this is paradise!”

Kuriboh sighs. “I know both of these things. But hasn’t Atem always been the exception to the rules?” A couple of the Gods chuckle. “ A soul cannot die in the After Life, it is true. But it can fade- become nothing more than a shadow.”

Anubis confirms this with a nod. “But only in two instances: punishment and extreme depression. To the first, we sure as Ammit aren’t punishing him- he saved the world. Three times. And for the second, as previously stated, this is paradise.”

“But this isn’t paradise, not for Atem.”

Another pause.

“Ah” Hathor says in understanding.

“What?” Anubis asks.

“I know what is missing from Atem’s paradise. We are fools not to have seen it before.”

“Hey!” Thoth objects.

“Yes” Isis agrees with Hathor.

“Care to clue us in dear?” Osiris asks her.

“Simple. He is missing him ‘aibou’, I believe is the term Atem uses.”

“Yugi” Horus says.

Kuriboh nods. “Yes. He can’t stand the separation. What makes it worse is that he believes himself pathetic for being unable to handle it.”

Horus agrees. “Sounds like him. He has a lot of pride.”

“I wonder where he gets it from” Thoth mutters.

Horus ignores him.

“This is all great, but what are we supposed to do about it?” Anubis demands.

“Reunite them” Kuriboh states, as if it is obvious.

They blink in return, as if it is not.

“But Yugi should not arrive until another sixty years has passes.” Osiris says.

“And we cannot send Atem back.” Anubis adds.

“Why not?” Kuriboh asks.

“Because that is not how it works!” Anubis shots back.

“You’re Gods, can’t you bend the rules?”

“Rules are made for a reason.”

“To be broken!”

“You’ve been listening to the American again, haven’t you?!”

“Atem wouldn’t last another sixty years! At this rate, you’ll be lucky if he lasts one! And what are you going to tell Yugi when he gets here? Hmmmm? Sorry, he faded from depression and we didn’t do anything about it because of the rules.”

“Why you-“

“ENOUGH!!” Ra shouts

Both fall silent.

“Kuriboh does have a point” Hathor points out “Soul mates never do well separated. They need each other to survive. The only thing keeping Yugi going at the moment is the belief that Atem is happy, reunited with everyone. He wouldn’t last long if he knew otherwise and it shows how remarkable he is that he could last that long without Atem.”

“Plus hikaris have powers of their own” Isis continues. “I would hate to see what happens if he discovers that power in anger.”

Ra is silent, deep in thought. Finally he speaks. “I cannot allow Atem to return.” He holds up a hand to stop any comments. “But I can give Yugi the option of joining Atem here, now.”

“Will her agree?” Osiris asks.

“Only one way to find out.” Ra snaps his fingers and a light flashes.

When the light clears, the seven Gods and Kuriboh are standing in a clearly stunned, now twenty years old, Yugi’s living room.

“What the…” Yugi asks.

Joey, Seto, Mokuba, Tea, Tristan, Ryou, Malik, and Solomon- who are also present- stare at them.

“Greetings Yugi” Ra begins. “I know this is sudden, but how would you like to join Atem in the After Life right now?”

Yugi blinks, not fully comprehending what is going on.

“Yugi.” He turns and sees Kuriboh. His eyes grow large. “What Ra is trying to say is that right now is your chance to be with Atem again.”

“Kuriboh?” Yugi asks hesitantly. “This isn’t another dream?”

“No Yugi. This is very much real. Please come. Atem isn’t happy. In fact, he’s in a severe depression right now. I fear that if you wait the sixty years you are supposed to, it will be too late. He will have faded from it. He needs you, although he is too afraid to show it.”

“He needs me?” Joy starts to feel his voice. “And I can go to him?” His eyes light up with the old happiness they use to contain.

“Yes. Please, I can’t stand to see him cry anymore.”

Tears form in Yugi’s eyes. “Oh Yami. All this time I thought…” he trails off.

“Understand that if you choice to leave now, you cannot return. It is a permanent decision.” Osiris warns.

Yugi looks at his friends and Grandpa, clearly torn, not wanting to hurt them by leaving.

“Go Yugi” his Grandfather tells him. “I know how much you miss him. We love you, but he needs you more.”

“Yeah Yug” Joey says “go save the Pharaoh for once, instead of the other way around.”

“We’ll meet again” Tea encourages him, tears of her own in her eyes.

Yugi stares at them for a couple of seconds, then nods. “I’m going.”

Everyone tell him goodbye, even Seto. Yugi grabs a backpack with his cards, a few photo albums and two of his favorite leather outfits. After one more group hug, Yugi nods to the Gods. A flash of light and they are gone.

They reappear in the throne room. All of the Gods nod to Yugi.

“Go to him” Hathor encourages. “He’ll be in the gardens.”

Without another word, or waiting for direction, Yugi takes off.

In the garden, Atem sits under a tree, crying. He had woken up to find Kuriboh gone. He had never left before. Maybe he couldn’t stand Atem anymore. He certainly knows he has a hard time standing himself lately.

He is totally unaware of his surroundings, so he doesn’t hear the footsteps coming toward him or the gasp when they stop. But he does fell the arms that wrap tightly around him.

“Oh Yami” Yugi whispers. Never could he imagine it would be this bad. Even after Kuriboh had told him, he still couldn’t picture it. To see his proud, strong darkness like this.

“A-ai-aibou” Atem manages between sobs, tears clouding his vision.

“Shh, it’s alright, I’m here.”

“Aibou!” Atem wraps his arms around Yugi and pulls the other into his lap. Burying his face in Yugi’s hair, he continues to cry. Finally, after what seem like an eternity to Yugi, Atem slows down, then stops his tears.

“You’re real.” Atem whispers, voice hoarse.

Yugi strokes his face. “Of course I am.”

“I thought… I thought I was just imaging things. This isn’t a dream? Not another one of those dreams.”

“No mou hitori no boku, not a dream.”

“I’ve had so many” Atem continues, not reassured. “You’d be here or I would come back. But you would be disgusted at how pathetic I was and walk away.”

“You’re not pathetic Yami, never.”

Atem turns away. “Yes I am. Look at you. You look fine. You’re not an emotional disaster. You’re not crying enough to flood the Nile.”

“That may be, but the only thing kept me going was you. Had I known you wanted this separation no more than I, I would have never let you go.”

“Aibou.” Atem leans forward and meets Yugi’s lips in a sweet kiss. Yugi responds without hesitation. They break apart when air becomes a problem.

“I love you mou hitori no boku.”

“You are here.”

Yugi chuckes. “How’d you figure it out?”

“In my dreams, you would laugh at me.”

Yugi’s eyes soften. “Yami I love you.”

Atem kisses Yugi again. “Ana baħibbak aibou.”

They press their foreheads together. “But how are you here?”

“The Gods. I was hanging out with the gang when suddenly they appeared in my living room with Kuriboh. They offered me a choice: join you now and not be able to return to Earth or wait another sixty years knowing that you need me. The choice was easy.”

“Kuriboh did you say?” Atem asks absently, thinking.

“Yup. Did you know he can talk?”

Atem doesn’t answer. “You gave up your whole life- your future, your friends, Grandpa, everything- just for me?”

Yugi nods. “And don’t you dare say that I shouldn’t have done that or that you aren’t worth it or some dumb crap like that. It’s my choice and as I said, it wasn’t really one at all. Everyone will be fine without me for now. It’s you I love more than anything and want to be with. You’re just stuck with me.”

Atem gives Yugi his first real smile in a long time. “I can live with that.”

They kiss again before falling asleep under the tree with the stars shinning down on them.

Finally. This is paradise.

**Author's Note:**

> Ana baħibbak means ‘I love you’ in Egyptian Arabic.
> 
> Egyptian 101: the Gods and Goddesses:
> 
> · Ra- god of the sun, top god
> 
> · Osiris- god, ruler of the underworld
> 
> · Isis- goddess of magic
> 
> · Thoth- god of knowledge
> 
> · Horus- god of the sky and war; Pharaohs were believed to be the living reincarnations of him
> 
> · Anubis- god of the dead and mummification
> 
> · Hathor- goddess of love
> 
> · Ammit- devour of souls (technically a demon, but listed just in case anyone doesn’t know who she is)


End file.
